Do you feel that small knot in your stomach? Does your thoughts about Jesus, God, religion, belief, and faith bounce around inside your head? Are the words of Jesus in Thomas a source of understanding or confusion?
Right at the start of the Gospel of Thomas, Jesus knows that you will be disturbed; he declares it clearly in Logion 2:
Jesus said:
Let him who seeks not cease from seeking
until he finds;
and when he finds,
he will be disturbed;
and when he is disturbed,
he will marvel,
and he shall reign over the All.
He knew that this would be our condition. I suggest that it is because he himself, went through the same; he was disturbed. He challenged those teachings, beliefs, customs, and faith with which he grew up. We also need to challenge those teachings, etc. and learn to strip away the myths and magic that the early church leaders wrapped around the person of Jesus, for their own benefit and power. And during this time we can be in no other state than confused and disturbed.
Eventually this inward disturbance will reach the outside world. When someone talks of Jesus the Messiah and of him being the Son of God, can you keep quiet? You may feel moved to respond that the Messiah is not relevant as it came from a Jewish viewpoint. You may answer that we are all children of God, that perhaps the listeners should go back to the Bible and find Jesus' real message amongst the stories. Now they are disturbed and perhaps even angry with you!
It happened to Jesus. He disturbed the religious power of the day with his teachings and his challenges to the extent that they killed him. Then everyone became disturbed.
So, be comfortable in your disturbance and your confusion. You are on the journey; the one that only you can take and no other.
"Where are you God?"
"Look around you, I'm everywhere"
"I can't see you"
"Until you strip away your pride, your judgement, your anger, and the rest of your ahamkara, you cannot see me"
Keep seeking and you will find. That's the assertion of Jesus in logion 2; you will find, you will be disturbed, you will marvel.